I Didn’t Want to Write this About Picture Books
but here I am
I have convinced myself (thoroughly, passionately) that I am meant to make picture books. But also? I have absolutely no idea how to make a picture book/how to translate the stuff I do into a 32-page thing with a beginning, middle, and end that also maybe rhymes and has a character that learns a lesson and maybe there’s a raccoon?
And it’s been… debilitating. Soul-flattening. I’m constantly questioning:
Is this for me?
IS this for me??
IS THIS FOR ME???
Like, is it supposed to come naturally? Am I supposed to feel like a joyful genius just drawing out masterpieces in one go, like those artists who are like “this character came to me in a dream, and then I sold it to Penguin!” Because that’s not me. My dreams are just me trying to make toast while the toaster is on fire.
I’ve gone through so many phases:
The of course I’ll do it analog phase: Then I remembered the horror of the first picture books I ever attempted. The scanning. The editing. The piecing together. I want to be the kind of person who paints and tapes and collages and builds a picture book with my hands like a magical old witch. But I also don’t want to completely lose my will to live in the process. I don’t even mind Photoshop… for one, two, maybe three individual illustrations here and there. Tweak some colors, clean up, yes, okay. But 32 pages?? Full compositions?? My soul begins to leak out through my ears.
The I hate Photoshop so much I will now betray my entire moral code phase: This is when I went digital. Fully digital. In Procreate. And this is also when I remembered that the very first promise I made to myself when I started drawing again, after years of not touching a pencil, was: Do not go digital. Digital will break your brain. Digital will give you too many choices. But here I am. Because I hate Photoshop more than I hate breaking my own rules. Because analog was giving me hives. Because I couldn’t sleep at night thinking about how to remove backgrounds. Because I kept asking: What paper do they use? How does everyone’s work look so clean? Are they witches?? Do they just not eat or sleep or suffer??
The I don’t even know how to do this analog, so of course I’m doing it digitally phase: So now I’m in Procreate, trying to make the whole book there, even though I have no idea what I’m doing and digital still feels like wearing someone else’s clothes backwards in public. I’m constantly trying to imitate my analog style?
The compositions are killing me phase: My brain is soup. Every time I try to figure out how to lay things out, like where a character goes, where the text should sit, how to make a spread actually look like a spread, I short-circuit. I overcomplicate everything. I try ten versions. I hate them all. Then I try to simplify. But once it’s simple, I hate it even more. It feels dead. Lifeless. Empty. And I start to wonder if I’m actually just a lazy brat who doesn’t want to do the hard work. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I just throwing a huge internal tantrum because it’s hard and I want it to be easy?
Anyway. That’s the meltdown. Thank you for attending my one-person spiral about picture books.
Just wanted to say that 1) what you shared here - your analog work, your digital work, the work you hated - everything looks great and original and so very you. So wherever you are, you are on a good path!
2) We all experience that. Like, really. I totally sympathise! Choosing between analog and digital IS difficult and both choices - for one reason or another - will give you a headache! So just hang in there and keep doing what makes your heart full and your life easy 🙂
Layout and composition? Big drama. Sometimes it comes out quickly, sometimes it's painful and you do and re-do 100 times, while crying.
A book is big. It is ok to take your time and experiment and cry a little ☺️ can't wait to seeing more!
We are our worst judges, I think-feel your work is so gorgeous and your struggles resonates with my own journey too. It’s inspiring and thank you for sharing.
🪲